Sunday, 29 August 2010

Woo hoo! Today I bought some clothes (in a sale, 25% off) in a size 16! I havent bought 16 anythings for a while apart from the jeans that meant so much just before our holiday. This was a different shop though and I feel that is significant :-) Although I've had good weeks and challenging weeks with Slimming World, I've stuck at this far longer than I've ever stuck at any kind of diet. I wish I could stick at the exercise a bit more but I noticed on our travels today that our local leisure centre has an offer on so who knows? I think paying up front for something, like I have with Slimming World, definitely keeps you motivated, that and buying new knickers because your old ones keep falling down!

I also think my crafting is really helping me as it means I'm snacking less in the evening and I'm busy reading other blogs etc in preparation for the new class. Its only a couple of days now till Learn Something New Every Day and I'm really looking forward to it and hoping to really acheive something at the end which should really help my mind set. My friend J and I bought the kit that went with the class and it was limited to 40 by the supplies Shimelle had. It seemed like everyone had gotten theirs and I was one of the first to order, I thought. Shimelle, as always, was on the ball, and between us we realised there had been a glitch in the system. I had paid and had a receipt and she had the receipt for the money but no order. I was devastated - how silly over something so trivial, but that is what PND does to you. I so wanted the kit that would be full of things I wouldnt have chosen on my own, things to take me out of my comfort zone, things that went together that I would NEVER have put together, things I cant buy in my local stores etc. Anyway, she cobbled together an order which pretty much matches everyone else's and so I have to be patient as it wont come till Tuesday which is just a day before the class starts. I've got loads of stuff, I dont NEED anymore but I really wanted them and so I want to wait and use what's in the kit for this project. In the meantime I am trying to design a front page in my head and find the bits I need so I can make up a project basket and get cracking when it arrives. J and I also ordered some amazing dies in a sale which will help us no end with our projects. Her was called Flirt and has lots of girly bits in and mine was Relax with lots of holiday type things in like sand castles and flip flops. They had an alphabet in each one as well which is of a decent size and would have been very expensive on its own. I think I have spent rather too much on crafting items recently so I am now adding a stash diet to my food diet!

And yet more money was spent this weekend on shoes for the children, many of which had to go back as they were on the wrong hanging pegs but at least they both have slippers, wellies, trainers and "proper" shoes. We still have to get DS his plimsolls for school, third time lucky, but he is pretty much all set to begin one his first big adventures of life. I've starting dreaming about it and not being ready for it but I think that is more me not being ready because I havent labelled his uniform yet! I suppose I had better make a start on that now... I'll just have a read of some LSNED posts first... ;-)

Bye for now xx

Saturday, 28 August 2010

Well where has this week gone?! Blown away in the rain and wind I think. Goodness its been chilly here on the south coast and as unlike an August summer holiday as I have ever known. I've actually gone to bed in my pyjamas and kept them on all night which I rarely do, even in winter!

Its been a week of ups and downs really as the post natal depression makes itself known in its various guises. I do wonder, at what point does PND become "normal" depression (if that's not a contradiction in terms..) I dont suppose it much matters, the treatment is pretty much the same, although perhaps more difficult to manage with small children around! Rest and taking things easy? Yeah right! I know exercise is really important but I find that so hard to fit in too. We were just getting to the stage of getting into a pattern with the right classes at the right time and with DD being settled in the creche there but the along came the summer holidays. Some of the classes have changed and of course getting a place in the creche is hard, especially with 2 children to think about instead of 1. I really wanted to start the C25k programme (Couch to 5km) and I thought I might try and get up early one morning to start but of course on the day I wanted to begin, DD had a bad night and I was exhausted and desperate for that extra half an hour. Which of course, made me feel awful.

We've had a few play dates, soome spontaneous and driven from desperation but all welcome. It never fails to amaze me how different we can be as parents, even among very good friends, and yet the children all do much the same things! I know5-6 people with boys of a very similar age to DS and we all vary along the strictness line and all have different circumstances regarding siblings, child care etc and yet they all want to roll about fighting, find weapons in the unlikeliest of objects, and laugh uproariously at the word "poo".

So is it a boy thing or will DD do the same? I'm also constantly amazed by how I can look back at DS's toddler years and realise how easy he was. DD does all the things that at the time I smugly said DS never did. When friends told me about flour strewn around the kitchen and toilets blocked with loo roll, I thought I was doing something right in my parenting because he never did that. Then along came my perfect and easy going baby girl, who morphed into a devious, stroppy little diva who races about the house causing trouble as if she's got a firework in her knickers. As an example, I was cleaning the sink so she decided to empty some porridge oats on the floor. I went off to get the mini-hoover and she made good her entrance into the sink cupboard which was un-latched while I cleaned. I removed the cleaning fluid from her hands and hoovered the porridge. I then went to put the hoover back and by the time I returned from the end of the kitchen, she had spread porridge over the floor again.

I had no choice but to throw a trantrum right there and then, so I did! LOL!

Bye for now. x

Sunday, 22 August 2010

I've mentioned Shimelle a few times.. here is a link to her blog. :-)

Time for Thai

I've been feeling so rotten recently, really down in the dumps, and oh so tired. We know that a major part of my depression is sleep deprivation but we cant seem to find a way to deal with it without making things much worse! This week has also been so miserable with the weather unable to stay dry for long so getting out and about is tricky. We renewed our passes for Marwell Zoo but having gotten stuck there in the rain last week, its not something I want to repeat. You can dodge into the dry between showers but when its drizzling all day its pretty miserable and its not fair on Isabella who is tucked under her rain cover in the buggy, unable to see much at all. Friday was a particularly bad day as we were due to meet some friends at the zoo but this is one of the contacts I have lost through losing my phone. I was concious of the meeting date coming and going and being unable to firm up plans etc. I had decided to go to the zoo anyway and hope we met them there but the weather was just too grim. I had the day stretching before me with no plans and not much chance to get out and about. The previous night had been awful with trying to get DD to go back to sleep without being fed and even DD had woken up in the night. It had also taken me ages to go to sleep in the first place as I've been so tight chested this week and I couldnt stop coughing. Thankfull, DH slept through much of the goings on so it doesnt interfere with his day too much.

I consoled myself with purchasing some more craft stuff and probably would have cheered up if the items had been delivered within the hour. Never mind, I will lots of gorgeous yumminess to look forward to next week. I signed up for Shimelle's September on-line scrapbooking class which she does every year. Its called Learn Something New Every Day and is a daily scrapping prompt about the here and now and taking stock of where you are at a time when lots of people are "going back to school" after the holidays. As it happens I am, as I have signed on for another Open University course which starts in October but I should get something to work on sometime in September. This one is about creative writing and is only a 10 pointer so I should be able to cope - I hope!

So I have a few new things coming up which should hopefully inject some positive energy into the house. I say house because now and then DH feels down too but rarely does it happen at the same time as me. Yesterday was the first time that I can remember it happening. The day started badly with DD in our bed again, DS waking early and stropping about having to go back to bed etc. He was then a toad all day which really didnt help matters. We ventured out to Romsey Rapids for the first time and it was brilliant. DD is such a natural swimmer, maybe it was the water birth, that it wont be long before she can swim a bit. She and I got out before the boys and I had to hide my mobile from her while I was in my swim suit. Of course I forgot that I done that and left the phone in the changing rooms and didnt realise until we were home. We decided that as we both needed cheering up, DH would go back and get it in the early evening and go past the fantastic Thai takeaway on the way home. It was just what we needed. Lots of spice, a wonderful green curry, and a tummy ache from eating so much. I also sneaked a baklava from Waitrose which was yummy too. DS slept through until 7am and DD, although she ended up in our bed, slept till 8am! So even though DH is at work and my morning play date cancelled, I felt a bit better about things generally. I SO need to get my mojo back but we are starting today with lots of playing and getting the children to help with the housework. I dont think I will make my target of a 2lb loss this week but I hope I can get that mojo back again too. Its all linked and it needs little changes in the right direction but we will get there.

Bye for now xx

Friday, 20 August 2010

Recovering from the holiday

Holidays are supposed to make you feel rested aren't they? Except they dont really when you have children do they! Between the children needing entertaining and feeding etc and then being so wakeful and fractious in the night, it didnt really deliver what we hoped, especially in my fragile frame of mind. However a few minor things happened to make things a bit more difficult too. My watch decided that it had just had too much steam in it and so it stopped working. Then I realised at the end of the holiday that I hadnt seen my mobile for a while. We searched for days but it was too late to ring the phone as it had run out of batteries. We thought it would turn up once we had packed or gotten home and done the washing but no joy. Then, on top of that, we got halfway home to find that my handbag was still under MIL's handbag on the chair in their hall. Let me tell you it is very hard to do anything with no purse, no cheque book or credit cards, and no phone or watch to arrange things with people who DO have money. I couldnt start the shopping at the supermarket (I got half an hours head start without the children) because I didnt have a coin to get a trolley and I couldnt call DH to ask him to collect me sooner and I had no idea how much longer I would have to wait for him. Eventually I bought a new watch, put it on, it didnt work. Went somewhere else, got another one, it also didnt work. Eventually got one that worked. Got given a fabulous new phone and sim card etc and I was incredibly grateful but it was just too much to accept and I knew I wouldnt have time to work out how to use it. Eventually I got a new phone that I could use and was actually better than the one I had lost and DH managed to get access to my very old phone to get some of the numbers I had lost. Sadly I lost a few contacts that I only had on the lost phone and it means I cant contact them to firm up arrangements for meeting over the summer holidays. I just hope they forgive me when I see them back at school in September.

By far the worst things that happened when we got home though was we lost our beloved cat, Emmie. DH and the kids collected her from the cattery (her first ever cattery stay) and we knew that she wasnt right when she arrived home. She seemed to be struggling to breathe so we whipped her into the vets and they drained off a load of fluid from her lungs. It wasnt sounding like there would be an easy reason why this was happening but they kept her in and did some tests etc. She came home overnight but was clearly very unwell again the next day so we decided that we ought to have her put down. The vet had been advising this from the off but we didnt want to say goodbye without good reason. Nobody, including the vet, could have predicted how quickly she would become so poorly again so I rushed back from my mum's to be with her at the end. While I was talking to her, telling her she didnt have to struggle anymore, so much of what I was saying struck a chord with me. I have never ever felt suicidal and I dont think I actually feel that now but I can see, for the first time in my life why people can get to this stage. In all my depressive episodes, I have never felt as black as I do now. Its nothing to do with the cat, although we will miss her, I wont miss having a cat. Its also nothing to do with losing a phone or a watch or a purse, just that these things all seem much bigger than they really are when stuck in that black cloud.

And now we have been back a couple of weeks and I am still feeling incredibly weighed down. There just doesnt seem any point in anything. Joy is pretty shortlived and I seem to spend all my time trying to escape from the children or the washing or the cooking. When I think about going back to work, all I can see are the problems of drop off times, finding someone suitable, finding someone to fit in with job hours, that horrid settling in phase. In the end I dont do anything because it seems like too much trouble and I am back to the beginning again. I know it will be different when both are children are at school and preschool but it feels such a long way off and I dont want to wish their early years away because they are too important. Talk about going around in circles! Maybe it is time for a scrapbook layout about this dilemma? I think my crafting and my DH are the only thing keeping me going at the moment. And no, the rain isnt helping. Its times like this that I really miss my old Homestart group :-(

Bye for now.

Monday, 16 August 2010

Okay, for the final installment of pictures from my weekend of cyber cropping, we have another photo challenge. This one was to photograph something from nature so here we have Louis with his favourite pass-time of watching ladybirds wriggle over his fingers. Another photo challenge was to take a picture of your crafting space late into the weekend of the challenge, when there was likely to be a little bit of a... ahem.. mess. I'm so glad that I have a great space to work in as I just didnt have chance to put things away again. I've cleared up again now (otherwise Jane wouldnt have anywhere to sit when she comes for our weekly crop) but it was fun to look at all the different bits and pieces I'd used over the last few days.
And for the final picture from the weekend's activity, again a layout based on a sketch. I've been wanting to use this gorgeous Dear Lizzy bunting paper since I bought it at the Stitch and Craft show in Olympia in March. It was one of those papers that I fell in love with and HAD to have but found it really difficult to use. I took a risk with it here but I like it. And look, there is that yummy pink music paper again :-) Only the best for my beautiful baby girl.

So now that the crop is over, I can try and do an update on the goings on of last week... maybe tomorrow...

Sunday, 15 August 2010

Cyber Crop!

I am trying to update my blog, so much has happened in the last couple of weeks and not much of it great, however something which IS great right now is that I'm taking part in a Cyper Crop. It sounds mad and it is! The wonderful Shimelle Laine (has set numerous challenges over the weekend and we have to use these hourly (if you want) prompts to create something based on her post. Its a fun way to light your creative fires and has inspired me to scrapbook at a faster rate than normal as there is a dealine of Tuesday morning!

Here is the first one I have done and the challenge for this one was to use circles....

Saturday, 14 August 2010

Beautiful Wales

Well we made it back from holiday in one piece. We had a lovely time although the children were quite unsettled in various ways.
DS was excited the whole time due to the presence of Grandma and the beach etc so he was up early and was wakeful in the night and general a pain due to being tired etc. DD was producing 2 molars and was sharing our room so she was also wakeful in the night and up early. I hoped it would be a wonderful restful holiday and in the main it was but I was still worn out due to constant broken sleep which was worse than being at home! DH and I managed a couple of evenings out for dinner and we explored what steps we could take to make things better / different for me. I always feel like I am treading water or biding my time for something but I dont know what that is! I'd still like to do a PGCE one day so maybe I feel like I cant move on until then, until the children are in full time school. I keep thinking about getting a childminder or something but the logistics of the part time course make it almost impossible to deal with.

As well as our meals out, we enjoyed making sandcastles etc on the beach and enjoyed watching the children exploring the sand and playing in the water. We saw such an improvement in DS's confidence - he even fell out of the dinghy at one point and came up smiling! DD was much like DS in his first toddling year there - running in and out of the water, not really sure if the liked it or not but seeming not to mind the cold. Both of them loved exploring the rock pools and DS was brilliant at spotting and catching crabs and tiny fish for his bucket.
His favourite phrase was "DD, you can collect a selection of shells" so that he could collect important things (living!) and he could pinch her shells to decorate his castles. He was very fond of telling Daddy to get on with the building while he found stuff for the interior design - how like his mother he is, all about the embellishment!

We made a familiar journey to Folly Farm which is much improved since last year and as usual we could have been there for days. It is ideal for DS's age group with all the play areas etc and thankfully as much inside as out! We also ventured to Oakwood but were really disappointed. The really big new rollercoaster was out of action as it kept getting stuck at the top and they had to lift people out, the huge water ride wasnt open until 2pm each day, the 3rd of the big rides wasnt very good (one of those bouncing things), which only left Megaphobia as one of the Big 4 worth going on. It is brilliant, all made of wood, very fast with lots of drops - just what we like. The park itself though was unkempt, the staff were grumpy and untidy, and there really wasnt enough stuff there to keep you busy all day unless you repeated rides. Also the food was shocking in comparison to the huge portions of loveliness at Folly Farm. We also managed to squeeze in a visit to Cardigan Island Farm Park which is beautiful and a great place to spot seals. Sadly they are still fighting a plan to have open access to their land and its been going on for 4 years now.

So, all in all, the weather wasnt brilliant, the children werent brilliant, but we had a lovely time. I miss the white washed and old stone cottages and the lovely lilting accents, I miss the daily walk down to the tiny village centre to get the paper and fresh bread, and I miss the fabulous wholefood shop that sells my favourite Japanese Rice Cakes (by Clearspring) and sells herbs and spices by the teaspoon. I managed to find a lovely herbalist there who gave me some fabulous tea to help me sleep. Just wondering about feeding it to the children... ;-)