Holidays are supposed to make you feel rested aren't they? Except they dont really when you have children do they! Between the children needing entertaining and feeding etc and then being so wakeful and fractious in the night, it didnt really deliver what we hoped, especially in my fragile frame of mind. However a few minor things happened to make things a bit more difficult too. My watch decided that it had just had too much steam in it and so it stopped working. Then I realised at the end of the holiday that I hadnt seen my mobile for a while. We searched for days but it was too late to ring the phone as it had run out of batteries. We thought it would turn up once we had packed or gotten home and done the washing but no joy. Then, on top of that, we got halfway home to find that my handbag was still under MIL's handbag on the chair in their hall. Let me tell you it is very hard to do anything with no purse, no cheque book or credit cards, and no phone or watch to arrange things with people who DO have money. I couldnt start the shopping at the supermarket (I got half an hours head start without the children) because I didnt have a coin to get a trolley and I couldnt call DH to ask him to collect me sooner and I had no idea how much longer I would have to wait for him. Eventually I bought a new watch, put it on, it didnt work. Went somewhere else, got another one, it also didnt work. Eventually got one that worked. Got given a fabulous new phone and sim card etc and I was incredibly grateful but it was just too much to accept and I knew I wouldnt have time to work out how to use it. Eventually I got a new phone that I could use and was actually better than the one I had lost and DH managed to get access to my very old phone to get some of the numbers I had lost. Sadly I lost a few contacts that I only had on the lost phone and it means I cant contact them to firm up arrangements for meeting over the summer holidays. I just hope they forgive me when I see them back at school in September.
By far the worst things that happened when we got home though was we lost our beloved cat, Emmie. DH and the kids collected her from the cattery (her first ever cattery stay) and we knew that she wasnt right when she arrived home. She seemed to be struggling to breathe so we whipped her into the vets and they drained off a load of fluid from her lungs. It wasnt sounding like there would be an easy reason why this was happening but they kept her in and did some tests etc. She came home overnight but was clearly very unwell again the next day so we decided that we ought to have her put down. The vet had been advising this from the off but we didnt want to say goodbye without good reason. Nobody, including the vet, could have predicted how quickly she would become so poorly again so I rushed back from my mum's to be with her at the end. While I was talking to her, telling her she didnt have to struggle anymore, so much of what I was saying struck a chord with me. I have never ever felt suicidal and I dont think I actually feel that now but I can see, for the first time in my life why people can get to this stage. In all my depressive episodes, I have never felt as black as I do now. Its nothing to do with the cat, although we will miss her, I wont miss having a cat. Its also nothing to do with losing a phone or a watch or a purse, just that these things all seem much bigger than they really are when stuck in that black cloud.
And now we have been back a couple of weeks and I am still feeling incredibly weighed down. There just doesnt seem any point in anything. Joy is pretty shortlived and I seem to spend all my time trying to escape from the children or the washing or the cooking. When I think about going back to work, all I can see are the problems of drop off times, finding someone suitable, finding someone to fit in with job hours, that horrid settling in phase. In the end I dont do anything because it seems like too much trouble and I am back to the beginning again. I know it will be different when both are children are at school and preschool but it feels such a long way off and I dont want to wish their early years away because they are too important. Talk about going around in circles! Maybe it is time for a scrapbook layout about this dilemma? I think my crafting and my DH are the only thing keeping me going at the moment. And no, the rain isnt helping. Its times like this that I really miss my old Homestart group :-(
Bye for now.